1
Folks, it’s time for our public service announcements. The first announcement
is brought to you by the Institute for Metaphysical Thought that wishes to
remind you that whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.
It
has been said that guns don’t kill people; it’s the bullets that come out of
the guns, if you aim correctly. We wish to remind you that arrows can kill
people also. So can knives. So can cars and trucks and drugs and food poisoning
and wild animals and meteorites, so if little junior comes home with a
meteorite sticking out the top of his head, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
-This
has been a public service announcement.
2
This next announcement is brought to you by
the Society for Metaphysical Thinking which wishes to remind you that playing
horseshoes is not the same as playing hand grenades.
It has been said that all men are created
equal, but is it true? Maybe we all start out the same, but we don’t all end up
the same. For instance, would you let your neighbor’s kid go to a hospital and
operate on people’s brains? Would you let the gardener fix your computer with a
wire brush? No, you wouldn’t. So the next time someone tells you that all men
are created equal, ask them to accompany you and the kid to the hospital to
prove it.
-This
has been a public service announcement.
3
This announcement is brought to you by the Institute for Metaphysical Meandering
which wishes to remind you that if you weren’t you, someone else might be you,
but how would you know?
It has been asked in the past, how many
angels can dance on the head of a pin. Maybe only five can, or maybe all of
them can dance on the pin if they make themselves really really tiny. But what
kind of dance would it be, a foxtrot? A waltz? Or would they form a mambo line
and go around and around? When you find out, please keep it to yourself because
we don’t want to start another holy war.
-This has been a public service announcement.
4
This next announcement is brought to you
by the University for Metaphysical Thought who wish to remind you that are much
smarter than the people at the Society for Metaphysical Thinking.
Friends, have you ever wondered about
electricity? What really happens inside those wires when you plug something in?
We can now reveal the truth. Inside the wires are snakes and elephants. The
snakes go up the wires and the elephants slide down the wires. They do this
very quickly because elephants don’t like snakes one bit, and snakes are very
afraid of elephants. This causes a lot of friction and heat, which then goes
inside the device you plugged in and makes it work. Now you know as much about
electricity as we do.
-This
has been a public service announcement.
5 This next announcement is brought to you by
the people of the Academy for Metaphysical Ideas who wish to remind you that
what you see is what you get, unless you’re a blind person.
Have
you ever considered the essence of time? We say things like “time flies”, or “time
stood still”, or “let’s have a time out”, but what do we really know about
time? With centuries behind us and centuries ahead of us, why are we here now?
Is time something we can play with or is time precious and not to be wasted? Do
people take the time to consider things like this? …usually not, but we need
time to talk about time, and this is it. So be sure to take the time today to
be in the moment and enjoy the time you have, because- one day you’ll die, and
then what?
-This
has been a public service announcement.
6 The next announcement is brought to you by the
Institute for Metaphysical Thought who wish to merge with the Organization of
Metaphysical Whimsy, who wish to remind you that questioning authority will
only get you in hot water.
A
man was walking down the road with his friend when he stopped in front of a
small rock that was on the ground. He turned to his friend and said, “I’m going
to do something for this rock that it could never do for itself.” The man then
kicked the rock further on down the road. Impressed and wanting to seem equally
wise, the other man thought a bit and then said, “I’m going to do something for
you that you could never do for yourself”, and he picked up that rock and threw
it at his friend.
-This has been a
public service announcement but we’re not sure why.
7 The following announcement is brought to you
by the people at the Institute for Metaphysical Whimsy who are in no mood to
merge with anyone and who wish to remind you that time is an illusion for
people who aren’t in a hurry.
It
has been said that nothing annoys people more than not receiving invitations,
but let us examine that a little more closely. Nowadays invitations are not
what they used to be: small cards containing words that request our presence at
events that include a time and date. Today, an invitation is often in the form
of a text message. Maybe we don’t want to attend and need to find a nice way
out. You could ignore the invitation and pretend it never arrived, but then you
look bad and have a lot of explaining to do. Instead, tell them you have
something else scheduled for that day and time. Then pack your bags and leave
the country for a while.
-This
has been a public service announcement.
8 This next announcement is brought to you by
the people at the Foundation for Metaphysical Beliefs who used to be called the
Institute for Wishful Thinking, who wish to remind you that if A equals B and B
equals C, then it’s no wonder little Johnny can’t read.
Good
afternoon friends. I call you my friends even though I don’t know you because
theoretically you are all potential friends. It may be that after getting to
know you it turns out I don’t like you, but that hasn’t happened yet. Many of
you have heard me giving these announcements and may already consider me to be
your friend. If so, hello friend. Now maybe you, my friends, can be friends
with each other. It’s not much, but it’s a start…unless you don’t like each
other.
-This has been a public service
announcement.
9 Finally, this announcement is brought to you
by the Association for Metaphysical Discernment who wish to remind you that you
should never make fun of people… unless they’re smaller than you and you can
run very quickly.
Gravity
is one of the most powerful forces travelling in the universe, yet surprisingly
little is actually known about how this force operates. Everything in the
material universe, from the smallest atom to the biggest star, has a
gravitational field around it. Everything is tugging at everything else.
Perhaps one day everything will be pulled into everything else and it will
become one big ball of stuff. Even then, it will still be difficult to book a
flight at the last minute on a holiday, so plan ahead.
-This
has been a public service announcement.
10 This next announcement has just been rushed in
and is brought to you by the Second Institute for Metaphysical Pondering who
wish to remind you to get a haircut, and that they are much wiser than the
people at the Academy for Metaphysical Ideas
Do
you know where your children are? I ask because of a growing problem in our
community, and that is: children turning into werewolves. Even a child who’s
pure at heart and says his prayers at night may become a wolf when the wolf
bane blooms, and the moon is full and bright. All it takes is just one bite and
pretty soon, there goes the neighborhood. Be safe, and keep a close eye on your
kids. And have a supply of silver bullets handy.
-This
has been a public service announcement.
11 This really final announcement is brought to
you by the people at the Institute/Association for the Development of Metaphysical
Opinions who disdain all the other groups here and who wish to remind you to
keep your mouth closed… while cleaning the toilet.
It’s been said that music is the
language of the soul. If that’s true then some of you have pretty twisted
souls. I was looking for music on the radio today and heard all kinds of
so-called music that I just didn’t understand at all, and one in particular was
just all over the map. It made my head spin and I had to turn it off after a
while. I’d like to warn all of you against listening to this particular artist,
because no good can come of it. His name… is Mozart.
-This
has been a public service announcement. We now return you to your regularly
scheduled programming.
No
wait, this final message has just been received. It states that the Institute
for Metaphysical Thought wishes to announce that they are indeed smarter than all
the other groups put together and that the vast majority of people in those
other groups are temperamental, egg-sucking idiots whom they could take with
one arm tied behind their back.
They
wish to remind you to be nice to other people.
Thank
you for listening.
