I know many of my stories refer to my time working temp jobs, but miracle of miracles, a company is hiring me! The job will be on a temporary basis, so I 'm not sure if I've won anything here, but it will give me a little extra money per hour while it lasts. I guess that's a good reason to go open a beer. One. I know my limits.

If you want to live a long time, eat olives. Because look at the name broken apart: O Live! I'd call that a pretty big clue.

new story.

Here is a story that is not for children.

First Date  by Richard Bell

Bruno took several shots of whiskey and splashed on some aftershave, then walked out of his back door into the heat of the summer night, the faint smell of lilac wafting on the breeze. The sound of crickets filled the air as he paused to enjoy the anticipation he was feeling. The porch light blinded him so he shielded his eyes and looked out back at his work-shed. Seeing the closed door he knew that she was still locked in there, fearfully waiting for him. Dressed in baggy shorts and a white t-shirt he closed the back door and walked slowly to the shed, then unlocked its door.

Bruno entered and turned on the florescent light and the fan, and locked the door behind him. She was standing in the corner where he had left her, frozen with fear. Now it was just the two of them and he had all night to take his pleasure. She looked to be about 16 years old, about five foot four, wearing a bright orange summer dress with long, auburn hair cascading down her back. Her skin was nicely tanned and her arms hung limp at her sides. He told her how pretty she looked but she answered not a word. Looking around, he saw all the porn he had tacked to the walls, all sorts of beautiful women in wanton positions with looks of pleasure on their faces. They would be his audience; his witnesses that even though he was short and rather portly, he could still have a woman. He would prove to them he was a man.

Bruno had been lucky to find her earlier this evening as he was out cruising. He’d driven by that particular clothing store a week ago and had seen her through the window when he stopped for the traffic light, and had briefly caught her eye. There was something about her pretty face and supple young figure that drew him irresistibly. He entered the store, ostensibly to pick out a shirt, and lingered until near-closing time. The clerk went around a corner and he used that opportunity to suddenly grab her. Cupping her mouth with one hand, he half carried, half dragged her to his pickup truck at the curb. He threw her in the back seat and told her he had a gun and was not afraid of using it. Bruno sped off; taking a circuitous route to make sure no one was following, and then drove to his home on the outskirts of town. He parked the car and carried her to the shed out back. It was then that he discovered that she was not wearing panties, which turned him on even more. He told her ominously he would be back, and that if she knew what was good for her, she would not resist or try to escape.

So now, here they were. It was sweltering hot in the shed and Bruno offered her a bottle of water which she refused. He slowly walked to her and touched her back and noted how stiff she was, how very scared.  Gently he eased the straps from her shoulders and let the dress fall to the ground. She looked like an angel standing there, his angel of delight. With growing passion he grabbed her arms and pulled her around to him, and she crumbled to the floor. He got down on his knees between her legs, admiring her and growing excited. The wide-eyed stare she gave made things even hotter. There was a tangible feeling of excitement in the pit of his stomach and his mind was filled lust. He moved his hands slowly, teasingly up her bare legs and that’s when he saw that…mannequins are not anatomically correct! ….Damn it!

Oh well, he could fix that. He went to the workbench and got a drill and an extension cord and returned. After a few noisy minutes there was a small hole that he thought would be adequate and he threw the drill aside. The pictures of the women on the walls were looking at him encouragingly, urging him on. Bruno stripped down, got above her and gazed into her glossy eyes. He was a real man now. He positioned himself, then plunged into her with a shout of, “Yesss,” and felt more powerful than he ever had in his life.

But when he tried to pull out there was pain. He looked down and saw he was stuck. He struggled to pull free but the plastic was jagged inside and had caught on his member. Bruno screamed at her to let go and she simply smiled that same smile. Only now she was mocking him, telling him that he was not a man, but only a pervert and she seemed to be laughing. Bruno, boiling with rage, picked her up as he stood, still trapped inside her.

“Let me go, witch!” he screamed, but she hung on. He started thrashing around the room, slamming her into walls and tables. Soon covered with sweat he tried to calm down and relax, and took several more shots of whiskey, but ten minutes later, when he had lost his excitement, he was still trapped within her loins. He tried to think of a solution but nothing came.

Finally, Bruno carried her out of the shed, both stark naked, to his car. He set off for the hospital with her on his lap, looking around her to see the road.

“This is not a very good first date,” he thought to himself.

Tom Waits is a very interesting character and has some music I find fascinating. Very original.
Not much happening with the book right now. Maybe I need to hire a jeep full of clowns to crash into something.

Life Seemed Good, But…. an Ebook by Richard Bell

Life Seemed Good, but then I am reincarnated as a grilled cheese sandwich, a hand-puppet takes over my life, I am cursed by a potato, aliens give me a fortune and then take it away, my pet dinosaur dies from reptile dysfunction, a beautiful woman turns my son into a cricket, a giant head pops up over the horizon and only I can see it, I have to eat brains to stay happy, and I have to strip and cover myself in mud to get a job. Cows eat rabbits and rabbits eat monkeys and turkeys eat people for Thanksgiving. And I learn the valuable lesson of Never mess around with dancing magical trolls who have matches or with the Cookie Goblins!

Life Seemed Good, But….is a collection of short, interrelated fairy tales for adults. Many are taken from my monthly column for Wassup Local magazine, published from Milwaukee to Chicago, which I have been writing for over 6 years. The stories are about me, people in general, and talking animals, all taking place in and around the Mystee Forest.

The Ebook has just been re-edited and sent back to Smashwords and Amazon Kindle.A simple internet search for the title will bring it up.